I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
