Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
