just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
