Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
