Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
