I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
