Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
