I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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