Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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