Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
