2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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