We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
