you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
