God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
