Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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