I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
