I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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