O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
