He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
