hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
