Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
