Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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