I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Can I color on your dick again?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
