And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
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highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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