My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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