weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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