so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He passed out mid-signature
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
