God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
