please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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