Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
