I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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