He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
