i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
