I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
