I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sarcasm needs its own font
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize