haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
