Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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