Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
