you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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