the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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