I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
