you traded sex for a burrito?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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