Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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