You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
