Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We have started to decorate penises.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
