I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
