turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
