Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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