She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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