So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
40s are totally the cure
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize