Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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