I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just cropdusted the office
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
