hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
