just come out here and I will go home with you...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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