i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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