I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
