Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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