I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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