have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
