why didn't you poke me back
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
