You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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