Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
