you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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